This feeling in my throat..

I thought he was looking, but he wasn't. I thought he reached to touch my arm, but it was just the lighter in his pocket. I thought he did. I thought he was. I thought I felt him holding me, but those were my fingers running down my wrist. I thought he was real. He wasn't. He isn't. I thought I woke to meet his stare, but there were no eyes in the dark. I thought the sheets were warm, but my palm was chilled by the open air. I thought for once I was good enough, but I wasn't. I thought, but I didn't think. I THOUGHT, but I didn't stop to THINK

Mr. Joshiy

I love the KLINK of his penny loafers on the side walk KLINK KLINK KLINK
His hat screams at me
YELLOW RED GREEN
His GLASSES
big round SCREAMING
nonchalant cigarette from a man that may have been a stranger
A Stranger?
a STRANGER!
A man wearing a black over coat
radiating mystery
Waiting at a cross walk he hand the cigarette
as if he was ridding his red hand of an ounce of COKE
COKE KILLS
CRACK IS WACK
He said Mart Jane never hurt anyone
7th floor the cloves crackle and eyes turn RED
and the man's shoes say KLINK KLINK KLINK

sin vs. symtom

The play that I watched for my artist review has really brought some great questions to mind for me. I have really wanted to discus "sin vs. symptom." To me the phrase asks the question of whether people always have complete control of their actions or not. Do we ever stop to think why people make "bad choices" rather than just pointing and shacking the finger? There is no shame in coughing when one has a cold. We far too often try to separate the mental from the physical. The brain is in fact a part of the working body so when then can't it have its own symptoms like the pancreas with diabetes. We as humans have an innate desire to control and the thought of not being in complete control of decisions is a thought to terrifying to imagine. In an attempt to organize we also put a weight on "sin." Some call them mortal sins. Is there really a difference in a serial killing and running a red light. The weight depends how much the choice affects the surrounding people. In reality though, if they are both symptoms what is the difference?

dying alone sounds horrible

regretable shoes and a regretable night sit on my kitchen table.
there is hope that one can change in 7 months
babies have been born after only seven months in the womb and live
LIFE can be created in 7 months, but a person can't change?
he didn't show up in tin foil just like he didn't show up in january with flowers
yes flowers may be cliche, but it doesnt take away from the fact that it meant something to me
promises were broken
promises are broken
it was cold my car was broken
i was cold my heart was broken
christmas turned out to be not so white anymore
my christmas was not white but very very red
i will never have another white christmas either
honesty is a virtue
virtue meant nothing to him
i didn't want to get hurt
i got hurt
wisdom comes from discovery
where is my wisdom?

I know I feel it

There is a lamp beside me.
But the lights in the distance out my window seem better.
They seem more exciting.
Not knowing exactly where they are coming from might be it.
The imagination it takes to really see the lights exercises my brain.
Everything I have ever looked for could be under those lights.
Someone could be taking their last breathe under that light but the light to him is only like the lamp in my room and his light in the distance could be the light that many often associate with death.
Maybe that is why they say that there is a bright light in the distance when we die.
It could be a symbol of hope.
Hope that there is something better coming than the suffering that comes with dying.
There is hope in the lights that I see out my window.
There is hope that I will be successful.
Hope that I will be loved.
Hope that my family will be happy.
Once again light only exists because of contrast.
I'm starting to think that life if just a big collection on contrasts that we organize in order to feel something. I know I feel it.

I hate when people call me "EMO"

I am finally here. I am finally living my dream. I'm in art school. I am surrounded by creative people for the first time in my life. I AM LIVING MY DREAM AND NO ONE CAN TAKE THAT FROM ME. A regrettable situation slept in my bed last night. I woke up confused and frustrated with myself. Soon, I realized that it doesn't matter. Regret is a part of life. It's a part of living and learning. It will all level out. I am constantly growing, changing, and fucking up. For some reason I had this vision that once I got to here it would be smooth sailing. Then I asked myself, "If it were smooth sailing would it really be worth it?" Fuck no! If I didn't have to kick myself in the ass then there would be no feeling. If I didn't cry I couldn't enjoy being here. I realized that the question I was asking myself, "If I'm not happy at art school where will I be," was a ridiculous thing to ask myself because the only thing that can make you happy it being unhappy. By this I mean that without the contrast there would be nothing. HAPPINESS and UNHAPPINESS would blur into the same thing. The contrast is what I live for. I AM LIVING MY DREAM AND NO ONE CAN TAKE THAT FROM ME.