Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Don't read this please...it's nothing really...just some thoughts....I didn't even re-read it
I question myself far too much I feel. I am never too sure. I don't know what I am doing with my life and sometimes I don't know what I am doing here. I need someone to talk to about everything. I get so confused. Is art really who I am? I say art is breathing, but is it? I am so unsure. My grades aren't what I want them to be. I compare myself to everyone around me to the point it makes me sick. I thought I was a good writer. I don't think so anymore. What am I going to do with my life? I always look forward and plan tomorrow, but I never live today. I am so sick of this trick I play on myself saying, "Tomorrow will be better. Just wait for tomorrow." I will be in art school and I will have the life I've dreamed of. Is this the life I dreamed of? I'm not sure. I try to see myself at some big university rather than here. I'm not so sure I like that picture. I have issues with craft. I have poor study habits. I'm poor in general. I got a job. I want to write music. I want to get more music. I want to create beautiful art. I want to sleep right now and not study. I don't think anyone will read this so I don't really care what I am writing. What do I really want to do? That question has helped me before. I want to get my hands dirty. I want to get A's. I want to be a great writer. I want to be a great artist. I want to help children. I want to teach. I want to sleep. I want to cuddle and kiss. I want a serious relationship. I want to live in Clifton. I want to talk to my family more. I want to read more. I want to believe in something. I want to tell my high school art teacher I FUCKING HATE HIM. If he was a woman I would call him a CUNT. Better yet a PUSSY because I hate the word. I want a best friend. I want someone to confide in. I don't want my eyes to burn right now. I really hope you didn't waste your time reading this. I want confidence.
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3 comments:
Please refer to comment on post below this one. I hadn't even read this when I said that. And don't freak out about the trivial shit all the time, you'll make it.
Amanda,
The beginning of existence--and I mean that in the significant way that we think about living according to our will and dreams--is desire, "I want I want I want". Excellent! Step one achieved. Of course, desire according to Buddhist teaching, is the root of all suffering. Wanting things we can't have causes us anxiety, anguish, etc. So what to do? Well, one must forget about the Buddha (momentarily) and leap into existence by acting on one's wants/desires/dreams. It's a decision. You get to make it, then do something about it. The key is to make for yourself short term, intermediate, and long term goals. If you want to write music, then figure out what you need to do to make that happen and work toward it (notice the prominence of the word "work"). True, this sounds easier than it is, but only if one doesn't plan and persevere in the face of any/all setbacks. Also, one has to be actively patient (but as little as possible a patient). You're on your way. I don't doubt it a bit.
Matt
I feel the same way, I always feel that way, but no matter how you feel you control your future...
I'm always asking myself questions, why don't I have friends? Why do I do this or that? and why do I not do what I want or thinks best?
It will all be okay in the end if you want it to be. It just might not be exactly what you want or thought you wanted.
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