Fear:

Today, I was part of a workshop on goal-setting. During the workshop I was asked to write about my goals, objectives, and fears. It was relatively easy for me to think about what my future goals really are. I wrote, "I want to live an emotionally appropriate, significant, purposive, and responsible mode of human life." I feel like this goal is broad but also attainable. I feel confident in this goal and feel that I am well on my way to achieving it.

When I was asked, "What fear gets in the way of achieving your goal?" I began to sink. This question was significantly harder for me to understand. The instructor talked about how most of these fears are perceived. After some thinking, I wrote, "I'm afraid of losing my relationships because of my goal." I say this because my family, intimate-companion, and friends seriously question my choices to live my goal. Part of my goals means that I need to change my lifestyle by living more simply. This means that I am doing laundry in my bathtub, eating local and organic foods, recycling or reusing most everything, bathing less, not wearing make-up, or not following all my family's traditions. I can see my relationships starting to suffer already, but I also see my lifestyle becoming more and more simple (in others' eyes this means "extreme").

I feel a need to deny myself things that I want if they adversely effect the earth or others. I feel an obligation to do lead this lifestyle. It is as if the people I love feel like I am making life more complicated-for themselves and me-by eliminated unnecessary desires I have. I, in no way feel that I am more noble than anyone by making these choices or denying my wants. I do it only because I cannot deal with the guilt of over-consuming or wasting. This is a very hard thing for my family, companion, and friends to understand.

I do not feel that this fear of alienating myself from my loved ones is perceived. It is very real. The arguments I have with my family and companion about my lifestyle are painful and exhausting. I know that I, as a human being, cannot live without relationships. I love my companion with everything I possibly can. I hate that my decision, my obligation to live my life in a particular way could be pushing me away from the people I love. I am starting to see my possibility of being a mostly-happy person slipping away. I cannot live alone, but my simpleness is too difficult for my relationship to endure. Thank you.

Start Newer.

When I decided to "restart" this blog, I didn't want to delete my old writings from my "Artist as Writer" class, in which blogging was a requirement, three years ago because I wanted them to be artifacts of my old ways of thinking and processing. I cherish these writings that come from a time when I was more naive, although I admit that there is a great deal of knowledge that I still do not have. This Blog will be documentation of my journey. Thank you.

When the Sun Tries To Go On Again

Here ye! Here me? Come with the night!
Butter cream smell
of rotting hydrangeas.
Who he is that will not come
Into the radical like of Jesus Christ
Our Savior?
Moss grows soggy after night of cherry
milk puffs eating esophagus
The King has spoken!
Shut up, eat your words
And spit them back out with commanding authority
Kill the mother. Birth her belly.
Oh radiant, child call into high grass
Unmown lawn?
Uncle Sam Lee Roy vaulted uncontrollable
laughing tears scratch kitten paws.
Lift up! Tired minds race three legged dogs
Grandma speaks loudlier?
The quiet movement of mouses nose!
The quiet movement of untired toes in midnight air!
Sleep ill with on ghost haunches? With
Cheerios, stop beating heart. Call into the
Wild for the illuminated wolf Buckeye Blitz. Then
lean into out of real the lemon of pink.

Bewildered With Student Loan Debt.

Befuddled.

The choice between what costs less and what means more is a constant. The road to life, I am finding adds more weights as the path goes on. Right now, the money is fake. I don't see it. I'm not licking my fingers and counting it out. The piece of mail that hs my current debt on it is nothing more than a cluster of characters to me. Should that cluster remain in the back of my mind since there is no way for me to pay it now? The economy is getting worse, yes. Are people still going to want art therapists when I am done with school and in $90,000 of debt? I hope so. I am the only one that can make me life meaningful, and that is a high price to pay it seems. Literally.

write write write write write

Sometimes I feel like I cannot write, even a little. My thoughts are so jumbled that putting them into words seems impossible. It would be a different story if I had the thoughts but struggled to get them down on paper, but I have a case of not even getting my thoughts. Any suggestions?

What I Meant to Say.

You must understand that it takes me a very long time to collect my thoughts and organize them into something sensible. And so, this my attempt to restate what I wanted to say in class in better, more understandable terms:

I envy the artist who has lost his mind. I envy the poet who curses the devils above his head and caresses the faces in the grass. He who knows of a place where there is NO LOGIC NECESSARY. He who lives to love the things that are not there. He who creates from an unreal world that is real to him. The crazy is FREE. The crazy isn't forced to manually make up an imaginary world in order to create a work. It is already there. He who lives in a world only visible to himself, I envy for the effortless creativity.

This Is Not How I Want to Think.

Writer does not feel intelligent.

Writer does not read enough.

Writer wishes she could be more intelligent.

Writer does not feel like making people feel sorry for her.