Fear:

Today, I was part of a workshop on goal-setting. During the workshop I was asked to write about my goals, objectives, and fears. It was relatively easy for me to think about what my future goals really are. I wrote, "I want to live an emotionally appropriate, significant, purposive, and responsible mode of human life." I feel like this goal is broad but also attainable. I feel confident in this goal and feel that I am well on my way to achieving it.

When I was asked, "What fear gets in the way of achieving your goal?" I began to sink. This question was significantly harder for me to understand. The instructor talked about how most of these fears are perceived. After some thinking, I wrote, "I'm afraid of losing my relationships because of my goal." I say this because my family, intimate-companion, and friends seriously question my choices to live my goal. Part of my goals means that I need to change my lifestyle by living more simply. This means that I am doing laundry in my bathtub, eating local and organic foods, recycling or reusing most everything, bathing less, not wearing make-up, or not following all my family's traditions. I can see my relationships starting to suffer already, but I also see my lifestyle becoming more and more simple (in others' eyes this means "extreme").

I feel a need to deny myself things that I want if they adversely effect the earth or others. I feel an obligation to do lead this lifestyle. It is as if the people I love feel like I am making life more complicated-for themselves and me-by eliminated unnecessary desires I have. I, in no way feel that I am more noble than anyone by making these choices or denying my wants. I do it only because I cannot deal with the guilt of over-consuming or wasting. This is a very hard thing for my family, companion, and friends to understand.

I do not feel that this fear of alienating myself from my loved ones is perceived. It is very real. The arguments I have with my family and companion about my lifestyle are painful and exhausting. I know that I, as a human being, cannot live without relationships. I love my companion with everything I possibly can. I hate that my decision, my obligation to live my life in a particular way could be pushing me away from the people I love. I am starting to see my possibility of being a mostly-happy person slipping away. I cannot live alone, but my simpleness is too difficult for my relationship to endure. Thank you.