Don't read this please...it's nothing really...just some thoughts....I didn't even re-read it

I question myself far too much I feel. I am never too sure. I don't know what I am doing with my life and sometimes I don't know what I am doing here. I need someone to talk to about everything. I get so confused. Is art really who I am? I say art is breathing, but is it? I am so unsure. My grades aren't what I want them to be. I compare myself to everyone around me to the point it makes me sick. I thought I was a good writer. I don't think so anymore. What am I going to do with my life? I always look forward and plan tomorrow, but I never live today. I am so sick of this trick I play on myself saying, "Tomorrow will be better. Just wait for tomorrow." I will be in art school and I will have the life I've dreamed of. Is this the life I dreamed of? I'm not sure. I try to see myself at some big university rather than here. I'm not so sure I like that picture. I have issues with craft. I have poor study habits. I'm poor in general. I got a job. I want to write music. I want to get more music. I want to create beautiful art. I want to sleep right now and not study. I don't think anyone will read this so I don't really care what I am writing. What do I really want to do? That question has helped me before. I want to get my hands dirty. I want to get A's. I want to be a great writer. I want to be a great artist. I want to help children. I want to teach. I want to sleep. I want to cuddle and kiss. I want a serious relationship. I want to live in Clifton. I want to talk to my family more. I want to read more. I want to believe in something. I want to tell my high school art teacher I FUCKING HATE HIM. If he was a woman I would call him a CUNT. Better yet a PUSSY because I hate the word. I want a best friend. I want someone to confide in. I don't want my eyes to burn right now. I really hope you didn't waste your time reading this. I want confidence.

INTRODUCING: "Theodor" The Unicorn

They fill themselves with these lucid dreams of irrational reality
These things that should only be found in sleep
These things that should only appear in dreams
They take them from their homes with three pronged forks and fire on sticks and into the world like the dinosaurs in that movie Jurassic Park
These things are for the imagination
Theses things should not really be seen
They aren't seen in the day light
They are created with jelly and and stick like peanut butter in the spine
Technicolor swimming pools and melting oceans
waves of foolish thought
waves of paranoia
waves of jail and abandoned children and distraught families and shit shit shit
bible huggers preaching like flies on macaroni at the forth of july
immortal lava
magma in the spine
cutting burning soaking still keeping scratching itching stabbing scabbing KILLING
Life is lost
Life is stolen by a damaged conscience
Intelligence is not smart
fogging personality
They won't stop there
They will only stop by the force of the wave that is too great
The wave will crush their bodies
BODY is future
BODY is hope
BODY is family and love
Spin Spin Spin
flushing with no toilet paper to wipe the SHIT
They will turn into the shit swirling and twirling and lost in the sewer
Poor abandoned Hopeless
Their faces turn and yearn and cry for mom to come home
Mom can't come home not till she's better
until then they are forgotten
only comforted by simultaneous personalities swimming gold fish in their heads
So they hold tight with clinging toes like the nervous trapeze swinger on the thin frail cord
This is only an adjustment
I shouldn't adjust, but I will

tissue doesn't start with "w"

All Porcupines Float In Water

Do all porcupines really float in water?
Do I really need someone to make me feel complete?

In first meeting me one would think that I am very confident. TRUE
In first meeting someone I am confident. FALSE
I like my feet. TRUE
I like who I am. FALSE...wait TRUE

I do like who I am. I like myself. I like that I am compassionate, loving,
creative, funny.
I think I don't like myself. TRUE
If I am confident then why don't I think I am confident.
I think too much. TRUE TRUE TRUE TRUE TRUE TRUE TRUE TRUE TRUE TERU TRUE TUER TREU TURE TRUE

"Mandy"

I sat with a pencil in my hand and a cigarette smashed on the concrete listening to the slow calming beats of Iron & Wine. I sat watching the people and showed them what I was drawing when they asked. Most of them responded, "Looks good." I love when people ask me if I am an artist.

"Down here you it's easier to by crack than a soda."

I saw a man walking toward me in the distance and I seeing his mouth move, I removed my headphones and said, "Please?"
"You making artwork?" he asked.
"Yea I am." I motioned to the building drawn in two point perspective on my paper. We talked a little about my drawing and, he told me his name and how he was staying at the drop-in center. He told me a little of his past as a basketball player at a college in Kentucky and how he was from the south side of Chicago. He told me graduated with a degree in accounting and lost everything when he started drinking and drugging after the death of his father and son. He told me so much. I was interested in everything this man was saying. When he left he told me, "Make the dean's list Mandy."


I keep thinking about the conversation I had with that man. I used to think that if you go to college you can't end up on the street. False. He was such a nice man: he didn't ask me for money or a ride or a cigarette. He just wanted someone to talk to. He didn't ask for my pity. He just told me. He was so passionate in the way he talked. I think he would make a great teacher. It's funny how a conversation with a stranger can mean more to me than talking one with a friend. I want to talk to more strangers. I think I learn more from them. I wonder why that is.

MANIFESTO: Sleek Cougar

WE, THE UNDERSIGNED BELIEVE THE FOLLOWING:

In the right to eat chocolate pudding on Tuesday nights
Chocolate=SEX
love is candy, melting snow and ice cubes
are water, so don't let them sit out in the sun.
A dream deferred, do you remember that Langston Hues poem?
I am the raisin.
And I demand you not omit wrinkles,
or my globules of turkey fat.
Of course I like green eggs and ham,
but only soy ham and only slightly green eggs.
THE SLEEKNESS OF OUR COUGAR IS AMAZING.