On Death and Grieving

It is interesting that we, as humans are ceased to be amazed and devastated by death. It is as if we have taught ourselves that we and the ones we love will never die. Perhaps, this inability to be unaffected by death is for survival. In order to function and allow ourselves to love and work with other people we cannot accept that they may die. From this we are able to build relationships perhaps stronger than those of other animals, but the pain that comes from the reality of death and that it is applicable to ourselves and loved ones seems unbearable.

The fact is, we all die. Every single person who has been born to this earth has or will face death. Every plant, every rock, every whale, mouse or alligator will someday meet its end. Even our own earth will die. If we know this, then why are we so effected? We are devastated, wrecked, left meaningless. It is merely impossible to truly understand that one day we may see someone and the next day, that person may never take a breath in front of us again. What about all of the people I have met once in my life on a bus or airplane or at the hardware store? Do they die when we never witness them again? Learning to loose becomes easier. Over time, we are able to adapt and be happy again.

(The person I lost only may have died. I may never know. She could be living on the beach in Mexico or at the bottom of a river in Ohio. This kind of pain remains an open wound. Can I heal without resolution? I don't think about her being gone any less now than I did the moment she left. The pain is maintainable but always present.)

There is a beauty in death that we often cannot recognize. There is peace in any end. Like the way a sentence ends or a movie or a beautiful day. There is pain, but with the pain there is resolution. One should not feel guilty for grieving, but eventually we've got to pick up our belongings and continue down the trail. All of life does not stop for one. It continues just as it always has. With memories and feelings we keep moving. Thank you.

Fear:

Today, I was part of a workshop on goal-setting. During the workshop I was asked to write about my goals, objectives, and fears. It was relatively easy for me to think about what my future goals really are. I wrote, "I want to live an emotionally appropriate, significant, purposive, and responsible mode of human life." I feel like this goal is broad but also attainable. I feel confident in this goal and feel that I am well on my way to achieving it.

When I was asked, "What fear gets in the way of achieving your goal?" I began to sink. This question was significantly harder for me to understand. The instructor talked about how most of these fears are perceived. After some thinking, I wrote, "I'm afraid of losing my relationships because of my goal." I say this because my family, intimate-companion, and friends seriously question my choices to live my goal. Part of my goals means that I need to change my lifestyle by living more simply. This means that I am doing laundry in my bathtub, eating local and organic foods, recycling or reusing most everything, bathing less, not wearing make-up, or not following all my family's traditions. I can see my relationships starting to suffer already, but I also see my lifestyle becoming more and more simple (in others' eyes this means "extreme").

I feel a need to deny myself things that I want if they adversely effect the earth or others. I feel an obligation to do lead this lifestyle. It is as if the people I love feel like I am making life more complicated-for themselves and me-by eliminated unnecessary desires I have. I, in no way feel that I am more noble than anyone by making these choices or denying my wants. I do it only because I cannot deal with the guilt of over-consuming or wasting. This is a very hard thing for my family, companion, and friends to understand.

I do not feel that this fear of alienating myself from my loved ones is perceived. It is very real. The arguments I have with my family and companion about my lifestyle are painful and exhausting. I know that I, as a human being, cannot live without relationships. I love my companion with everything I possibly can. I hate that my decision, my obligation to live my life in a particular way could be pushing me away from the people I love. I am starting to see my possibility of being a mostly-happy person slipping away. I cannot live alone, but my simpleness is too difficult for my relationship to endure. Thank you.

Start Newer.

When I decided to "restart" this blog, I didn't want to delete my old writings from my "Artist as Writer" class, in which blogging was a requirement, three years ago because I wanted them to be artifacts of my old ways of thinking and processing. I cherish these writings that come from a time when I was more naive, although I admit that there is a great deal of knowledge that I still do not have. This Blog will be documentation of my journey. Thank you.